Piece By Piece
“I will not give you my heart all at once, I will give it to you piece by piece.”
Outfit: Emzies Closet
It is a common African parenting tradition to get mad at a child for repeating the same mistakes the parents made while younger. Wisdom would dictate that they would say, “Hey listen, when I was younger I made some mistakes. I would not want you to repeat them so here we go…” but this makes them look imperfect and vulnerable and maybe they are afraid that once we find out they are less than perfect we would not respect them as much.
Well, I have been writing a book that I hope to give my daughters in the future; as ridiculous as this may sound it works for me. Before I met Ed I lived a reckless life and made lots of mistakes and as a result, I had lots and lots of scars.
My friend Koki talked about the effect of sex and giving of yourself emotionally on her blog a few weeks ago. True to her sentiments I found that I had lost so much of me in the hustle and bustle of relationships. With every relationship, I lost myself piece by piece and I wouldn’t want them to make the same mistakes.
I have never been able to have a causal relationship (You know the… ‘let’s just be boyfriend and girlfriend and see where it goes.’). I have always wanted more. We’d date but deep in the confines of my heart, I’d be thinking, “What next? Where is this thing going?.” As a woman, this is completely normal it’s how we are configured (shout out Koki).
With every relationship, I gave more of myself thinking, “Maybe he is the one.” Each time he wasn’t. Deep in my heart I knew the guys I was with weren’t the one, but being with them was much better than walking around with a lonely heart.
Just to help you understand how bad it was; I had my first boyfriend when I was 12 and ever since then it was a boy after boy after boy. My first serious relationship was at 15, we dated for a few months up till I messed up and we broke up. Seriously, though? What does a 15-year-old know about relationships? #Sigh
I was looking for love in all the wrong places. In my pursuit of love I crossed paths with a scavenger and that encounter changed my life forever. I gave him rubies and pearls and in exchange, I got ashes and stone.
If there is someone who understands the true depth of loneliness I believe that would me. You see even, as I dated that hole in my heart was not filled. We would build castles in the sky about how we would be when we get married, but that is all that it was – Pie in the sky. The affirmation I sought after was not to come from them and indeed it did not come from them neither did it come from Ed.
As I continued dating I reached a place where I was burnt out. I was tired! By that time, I was in a three year on and off relationship. I had reached a place where I had nothing to give him because I had given so much of myself to everybody (Him included), that I did not know who I was anymore. I was emotionally spent! What I knew was that I needed to seek out love, I knew that I was tired of meeting and spending 80% of the time making out and then going back home and feeling empty and worn out. I knew that I needed to find myself.
I knew I had to vacate from my safety net and leave the one that I thought I loved. I had to let him go not knowing if I would ever find another like him. It is at that place that I started picking up my tiny broken pieces and just like a child hands their parent a broken toy to fix, so did I to God.
He took each broken piece and made it whole. Being whole, I was more cautious of whom I give a piece of my heart to. We do not belong to everyone and if we are patient enough we will be found by the one person created for us.
If you were writing to your kids, what would you tell them?